


Do What You Have To Do

by Scifiroots



Series: Fits and Starts [7]
Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Between Seasons/Series, Canon - TV, M/M, Pre-Femslash, Pre-Slash, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-27
Updated: 2010-02-27
Packaged: 2017-10-07 14:15:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/65936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifiroots/pseuds/Scifiroots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Simon, there is one person he must attend to; if that means he has to leave others behind, he'll do it. This is the first of _ interconnected stories that will futz with Serenity canon and continue from there. Rest assured, Mal and Simon will get together and work things out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do What You Have To Do

**Author's Note:**

> The usual disclaimers apply. In addition, "Do What You Have to Do" belongs to Sarah McLachlan. Also, I have included dialogue direct from transcripts of some of the Firefly episodes and Serenity, the BDM. (According to the shooting script in the film guide.)
> 
> Spoilers for "Ariel," "War Stories," and "Objects in Space;" especially for the BDM.
> 
> June 3-4, 2006; Revised: April 16, 2009

> What ravages of spirit  
>  Conjured this temptuous rage  
>  Created you a monster  
>  Broken by the rule of love  
>  And fate has led you through it  
>  You do what you have to do  
>  And fate has led you through it  
>  You do what you have to do

_ "We can get her to you if you can pay."_

_ "What danger is she in? What are they doing to her?"_

_ "They're playing with her mind – and others like her. They want control."_

_ "But why? Will she recover? When—"_

_ "Mister Tam..."_

_ "Doctor."_

_ "Dr. Tam, then. Will you pay?"_

_ "...Anything. I want my sister back."_

_ "Don't be careless, other men will take advantage."_

_ "I can't be anything but honest. I need to make sure she's alright."_

_ "Okay, then. Let's talk business."_

\---

Simon no longer remembered what he had paid those men; it hadn't mattered then and it hardly mattered after his accounts were abruptly closed. However much, it was worth it. All that had happened... whatever had happened, his little sister had suffered and that was unacceptable. For two and a half years he could do nothing as his world crumbled to pieces and he found himself completely alone.

\---

_ "We'll put her in cryo. You can pick her up on Persephone, near the Eavesdown Docks, know it?"_

_ "No. But I'll find it."_

_ "Your heart's in the right place, Doc."_

_ "She's my sister!"_

_ "Still, not many in your position would take this kind of risk."_

_ "I have no position. I just want my sister to be safe. If you do anything—"_

_ "If we did, I doubt you could find us. But we have it under control. We have an inside man, we'll get her out. Then it's up to you. Good luck, you'll need it."_

_ "What should I be prepared for?"_

_ "Anything. Oh, and in case anything should go wrong at any time, you better learn these words: Eta Kooram Nah Smech."_

_ "What does that have to do with anything?"_

_ "A safe guard, so to speak. 'Case you ever have use of it. And I recommend you learn it quick. Like I said, be prepared for anything."_

_ "Eta Kooram...?"_

_ "Nah Smech. Write it down if you can't remember, Doc."_

_ "Eta Kooram Nah Smech... What will that do?"_

_ "Stop her. Save you or someone else."_

\---

When River had gotten worse some long months into their journey on _Serenity_ and cut Jayne with a butcher knife, Simon realized that he would do anything before using the "safe words;" he had never learned what they might do to her. Could words kill a person? Everything he had once taken for granted had been twisted around in so many ways that he couldn't be sure of reality anymore. He would leave _Serenity_ before he used those words. Strange, he thought at the time, how that possibility filled him with a hollow ache similar to how he'd felt when separated from his sister.

The first time he voluntarily picked up a gun and loaded it with a guilt-free conscious, he knew why the thought of leaving _Serenity_ devastated him. With barely a backward glance, Simon left _Serenity_ to Kaylee's questionable defensive skills – _left his sister behind_ – to follow Book's call for reinforcements. For _Serenity_'s captain. For Mal.

Five months later he watched in horror as his baby sister studied the silver, shiny surface of Jayne's gun she held in perfect form. She had always been able to master any task set before her.

"Fully loaded, safety off. This here's a recipe for unpleasantness, does she understand that?"

"She understands. She doesn't comprehend," River answered.

"Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction. **No touching guns**, okay?" Mal glared.

"No touching."

When had she learned to hold a gun? Had she learned to use one?

"Point is, couldda been you she mighta shot just then. The doctor, as you just made note of. And who exactly could fix you? Not nobody. We're deep in space, Doctor, corner of No and Where. You take extra care with her."

> And I have the sense to recognize  
>  That I don't know how to let you go

Kaylee revealed what had happened during Mal's rescue from Niska and Simon's heart sank. What if River picked up another gun? What if next time she fired it on the crew? Kaylee? Mal...? They would have to leave, he was sure of it, unless he could convince himself to say those words. Could he chance the repercussions? But could he risk being aboard when he now knew there was a real possibility of River hurting the crew? He didn't want to leave. Like River, he had found a home in Serenity and with her crew.

_ "Where'd she go?"the bounty hunter demanded._

"I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship, don't look at me."

Despite how sad she sounded, Simon had been relieved to hear River's voice echoing eerily through _Serenity_'s hull. That she could outwit the bounty hunter filled him with hope. She had to be getting better. She could formulate a plan, taunt someone who thought they could out-think her. She sounded so much like his little sister again, especially after he got shot in the leg and she teamed with Mal to reprimand Simon. That was okay, in fact, that had been great! He felt their family come together, and he felt complete.

It seemed that luck wasn't on their side, though. Not long after those events Inara decided on a point of departure and wrapped up her payments on the shuttle she rented. Book, too, had made a decision to move on. It was strange how the absence of only two people made the ship feel so empty.

Mal grew distant after Inara and Book left. More often than not he was grouchy or on-edge. His interaction with the rest of the crew tended to be very business-like with little warmth. The rest of the crew withdrew as well; it seemed like everyone was tiptoeing through eggshells.

Simon often found himself in the engine room when not in the infirmary. Kaylee's cheery manner had dimmed only minutely. She enjoyed her work and as long as she could continue to take care of _Serenity_ and share some company, she seemed able to move along alright. Her warmth helped soothe the tension Simon felt of late. Under Kaylee's guidance, it even appeared that River was becoming more coherent. Her sentences made more sense, and she smiled more often. Even though Simon's concern for her lingered as an ever-present fear in his mind, he could almost trick himself into believing everything would be okay in the near future. Through it all he watched Mal with hooded glances, waiting for some glimpse of better days.

~ * ~ * ~

"You ever gonna tell me what's been goin' 'round your noggin?" Kaylee asked one day with a gentle, serious expression. They were alone, River having wandered off.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," Simon replied honestly.

"Not foolin' me, Simon," Kaylee scolded. "Girl's gotta keep her wits, an' your heart's out on your sleeve. Someone's makin' you hurt." With a bittersweet smile, she said, "I know the symptoms, y'know? An' I know you gotta talk about this stuff 'fore things get shiny again."

Simon glanced at her hesitantly. "Kaylee... I-I'm so sorry..."

Kaylee wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Simon, ain't nothin' to be sorry for. It happens." She grinned. "'Nara was real good with listenin' to me and helpin' me out. An' we're still friends – family, that's what's important."

"You're something else, Kaylee," Simon said with a gentle smile.

"Shucks, Simon, if you'd of said such things before, I mightta still had a crush!" They shared a moment of warm laughter, then Kaylee returned to her original agenda. "Probably good I ain't got that crush, tho'. Your heart's a-flutter for someone else."

Simon's eyes widened in surprise and he froze. How much had she guessed? If she noticed, did that mean that others had as well?

"You okay?" Kaylee asked with concern, leaning closer to brush his shoulder.

"I'll be alright," Simon quickly assured. "Kaylee, I'm... not too sure I feel comfortable talking about this..."

Shrugging, she stared at him in thinly-veiled disappointment. "Okay. Just know I'm here. I'd like to help."

"Y-yeah. Thanks, Kaylee."

"Silly Simon..." River's quiet voice startled them. The slim girl glided into the cramped room on bare feet, her gaze resting heavily on Simon.

"Hi, honey," Kaylee greeted with a warm smile.

River barely acknowledged the mechanic's presence. "He doesn't understand, a heart is just an organ. Love can belong to two people." She paused for a long moment. Abruptly she turned to Kaylee with a grin. "I finished making that game board! Now I can show you how to play!"

Kaylee cast Simon a concerned gaze regarding the previous mood but quickly got caught up in River's excitement. "Shiny! Let's play in the lounge, okay? I think there's still one more apple we can split."

River nodded happily and flew out the door.

"You gonna be okay?" Kaylee asked on her way out.

Simon answered distractedly, "Right... yeah... You know, you've been so good for her..."

Kaylee's expression gentled and her gaze grew a bit dreamy. "She's such a sweetheart..." she responded quietly.

With effort, Simon pulled himself together and watched Kaylee take off after River. He considered the last part of their exchange and realized he hadn't been watching carefully enough to see all the details of the crew's evolving relationships.

> Every moment marked  
>  With apparitions of your soul  
>  I'm ever swiftly moving  
>  Trying to escape this desire

"Kaylee needs to get some new parts to keep _Serenity_ going," Simon announced quietly as he entered the dining area. He ran a cautious gaze over the room's four other occupants.

"That's shiny, Doc. There a reason she ain't comin' to me about this herself?" Mal didn't even look up from the bowl of grey, sloppy soup. Simon winced at the sight, deciding he could go hungry at least another day before eating that _go se_.

Zoe saved him from having to reply. "I don't know, Sir. Might be Kaylee isn't too fond of the cloud that's been followin' you around."

Mal shot her a look. "Say that again, Zo?"

"Captain, please don't threaten my wife," Wash said, tugging Zoe closer into his embrace.

"Just watch your mouth."

"_Lao tian ye_!" Simon glared in frustration. "Maybe all you care about these days is getting through your _le se_ 'jobs' and don't care about your crew, but all Kaylee's asking for is some help in keeping your ass in the air!"

Mal slapped his hands on the table and stood up abruptly. "I don't like the way you're talkin', Doc. Seems to me I'm still capt'n around here and that ain't likely about to change. You stick to your doctorin' and I'll take care of my ship. Oh, and those _le se_ jobs you're talkin' about happen to provide the funds to keep us goin' and 'way from Alliance eyes. I do believe you want us to avoid 'em?"

Simon's eyes widened in astonishment. "Are you threatening my sister? _Biao zi de er zi!_ How dare you?"

"If you missed it, Doc, we ain't doin' so shiny. Ain't got the _privilege_ to be choosey 'bout our jobs." They fumed silently for a few minutes.

Zoe and Wash watched the events silently, their eyes studying the two men carefully.

Then Jayne had to open his big mouth. "We ain't had a job in weeks, Mal! Iff'n our diminishin' profits are payin' for the doc' an' his moony sister, they better be sharin' the work!"

Mal's eyes glinted dangerously and Simon felt ill in response to the calculated smile that spread across the captain's lips.

"I reckon you're right, Jayne—don't get used to it." Mal crossed his arms and shifted into a casual stand. "I happen to have a job lined up an' I have the feelin' havin' our lil' Reader along could ensure things go smooth."

Not quite able to believe that Mal actually suggested what he had, Simon shook his head slowly. "No. No... you don't mean that. You can't be serious."

Mal frowned. "Look at my face, does it look like I'm jokin'? You ain't goin' to argue with me, _dong ma_?"

Instead of answering, Simon clenched his jaw and spun on his heel, walking out of the room with the heavy sense of betrayal twisting his insides.

Zoe said quietly, "What's the job, Captain?"

Wash looked worried. "Uh, Mal? You sure it's a good idea to bring River? No telling what might go wrong."

"I don't fancy being under the doctor's care if something happens to his sister," Zoe admitted.

Mal snorted. "Ain't gonna be tough. This is comin' from Fanty and Mingo for a job on the raggedy edge. The take's big but it ain't goin' to take more'n a lil' intimidation of friendly hill folk."

"I ain't too sure about hill folk," Jayne grumbled, not having forgotten the little event concerning River and Simon's kidnapping over a year ago. "I'm bringin' grenades."

"No grenades," Mal told him with a roll of his eyes.

~ * ~ * ~

"You okay?"

Simon looked up in surprise as Kaylee approached him on the catwalk. He gave her a weak smile. "Need help with something?"

Kaylee waved his question away. "Nothin' like that. River's worried about you."

He looked away, resuming his former position of head in hands as he leaned against the railing. "Why? There's no reason for her to be worrying about me. Not like I do anything dangerous."

"Yeah? Then how come you got shot?" Kaylee asked, moving to stand beside him. "Don't put yourself down, Simon," she consoled. "What's worryin' you? Did the cap'n yell at you 'cuz I asked you to talk to him?"

Grimacing, Simon shook his head. "You're fine. He's not mad at you."

Kaylee regard him in silence, her usually bright expression grim. "But he got mad at you. What'd he do now?" she asked with a slightly amused, exasperated sigh.

"He's going to take River."

Stunned by his words and not quite sure what he meant, Kaylee asked nervously, "W-what?"

Simon turned to her with resignation in his eyes. "Ma—he wants to have River on the next job. He thinks that as a... 'Reader' she can help."

"What kinda job?" Kaylee asked, unsettled and just as unhappy as Simon.

"I don't know yet," Simon said quietly, rubbing his temples. "I just can't understand... why he'd do this. He's been so considerate before. How can he put her in danger like this?"

"You ain't gonna let 'im, are you?"

Shaking his head, Simon murmured, "I don't know if I have a choice..."

~ * ~ * ~

Simon followed the yelling towards the engine room; he had already guessed that would be Mal's destination after the announcement of an impending crash landing.

"You told me the entry couplings would hold for another week!"

He managed to hear Kaylee's exasperation even over the ship's loud rattling as Serenity jerked unsteadily through the atmosphere. "That was six months ago, cap'n!"

"My ship don't crash. If she crashes, you crashed her."

_Jian gui_, Mal was even lashing out at Kaylee.

"Doctor." Simon returned to his senses. He nodded curtly at Mal in acknowledgement. Another jerk of the ship had him reaching out to find his balance and for a heart-aching moment, his hand rested on Mal's forearm. "Bit of a rockety ride. Nothing to worry about."

"I'm not worried."

"Fear is nothin' to be ashamed of, Doc." Strange that Mal sounded nearly genial.

Expression closed, Simon answered, "This isn't fear. This is anger."

Mal laughed aloud. "Well, it's kinda hard to tell the one from th'other, face like yours."

What was that supposed to mean? Annoyed, Simon dead-panned, "I imagine if it were fear, my eyes would be wider."

"I'll look for that next time," Mal said with a quirked smile.

"You're not taking her."

Mal's expression immediately darkened and he pushed past Simon. "No, no, that's not a thing I'm interested in talkin' over with—"

"She's not going with you," Simon said, turning and glaring fiercely at Mal's back. "That's final."

Mal stopped cold and turned back slowly. In a low voice he warned, "I hear the words 'that's final' come out of your mouth ever again, they truly will be." Turning away to make his way through the ship, he muttered, "This is my boat. Y'all are guests on it."

"Guests?" Simon exclaimed, following closely. "I earn my passage, _Captain_—"

"And it's time your lil' sis learned from your fine example."

"I've earned my passage treating bullet holes, knife wounds, laser burns..." Simon shook his head in wonder, dreading all of the possibilities.

"Some of our jobs are trickier than others—"

"And you want to put my sister in the middle of that?" Simon demanded.

"Didn't say 'want.' Said 'will.' It's one job, Doc. She'll be fine." Mal sounded exasperated.

Simon finished injecting the inoculation in Mal's arm—and he should have thought twice about doing that, actually, maybe it would have given him some leverage. Quietly he said, "And that's your guiding star, isn't it? What's of use." Mal leveled him with a look.

> The yearning to be near you  
>  I do what I have to do  
>  The yearning to be near you  
>  I do what I have to do

"Does he know what he's doing to me?"

"I doubt it."

"Kaylee?" Simon turned towards her, his entire body screaming desperation.

Surprised to see him in such disarray, Kaylee immediately wrapped her arms around him. "Oh, Simon. Hey, it's okay..."

His arms didn't lift to return the embrace. He hung his head with a defeated sigh. "_Lao tian_. Kaylee, what am I going to do?"

"We're gonna sit tight. Then they're all gonna come back just fine, an' River'll roll her eyes an' say you don't have to worry so much."

"I wish that were the case..." Simon whispered, mostly to himself. He closed his eyes, praying for the safety of his sister and the rest of their family. _Damn you, Mal, _ he thought, _how come you keep breaking my heart? _

~ * ~ * ~

"Simon! Open her up!" Wash's tense voice barely contained his anxiety. "Kaylee, I need you in the engine room!"

Simon hurried over to the door controls, relieved he'd memorized how to properly work them. After making sure that was going alright, he opened the com link to the bridge. "Wash? What's going on?"

After a pause, Wash answered, "Got trouble. They're being tailed by Reavers. We gotta pick them up."

"_Ai ya, wo mun wan luh_...!" Simon cursed, heart jumping into his throat.

"We're going to get them, Simon," Wash said in firm determination. "I'm not ready to let my wife go!"

"_Lao tian_, hurry."

Simon moved as close as he dared to the open ramp and held on tight to the nearest handhold and stared out at the barren land. _Come on... _ he mentally urged. They had to make it...

Suddenly _Serenity_ jerked abruptly into the air and turned before lowering again—and there they were. Fear clutched at Simon as he watched the Mule speeding backwards, a grotesque conglomeration of metal that created the Reavers' skiff following. Before he could react, _Serenity_ dipped just enough to swallow the Mule and then jerked up in time to crash the skiff. Simon flew back as first the Mule and then a large, flaming piece of the Reaver skiff sped past, just barely missing him.

As soon as he regained his feet, he headed to the control panel, pulling a lever for the floor CO2 vents to put out the fire. He slapped the button to close the ramp and then ran to River who sat perfectly still in the Mule, staring ahead with a blank expression.

"River?" he asked worriedly, running his eyes over her, infinitely relieved that he didn't see any indication of injuries.

She turned to him with a frown. "I swallowed a bug." He could have laughed in relief had his lingering fear not turned to anger.

Kaylee ran down the stairs, seeking him out right away. "Are you okay?"

Behind him, Simon heard Mal grunt in discomfort and demand, "Is _he_ okay?"

The sound of shifting metal caused all heads to turn. In horror, Simon watched as the grotesque, bloodied body of a Reaver stood from the remains of the skiff and stalked towards the captain. In a beat, Mal, Zoe, and Jayne all had their weapons drawn and fired into the creature's gut. It took a whole hail of bullets before the thing went down.

Simon felt all the blood drain from his face. A Reaver on the ship. It could have taken River... He barely heard Wash's relieved voice as he spoke to his wife. Simon strode away from his sister and rounded the Mule, rapidly approaching Mal's turned back.

"Set course for Beaumonde," Mal told Wash. He turned slightly. "First thing, I want this bod—"

Simon didn't let him finish, letting all his pent-up emotions control the punch he aimed at Mal's face. He ignored the calculations running through his mind concerning the odds of hitting an eye or breaking his nose. It was amazingly satisfying to see Mal stumble back and fall on his ass. Still, it didn't remove the pain from his hand. Mal struggled to his feet, face red with fury.

"_Ni zhao si ma?_" he spat. "_Ni yao wo kai qiang?_"

"You stupid, selfish, _biao zi de er zi!_"

Mal growled and stepped forward threateningly. "I'm a hair's breadth from riddling you with holes, Doctor—"

Simon ignored the threat as he mimicked Mal's words prior to the job. "One simple job! She'll be fine!"

"She is fine. 'Cept for bein' still crazy, she's the picture of health! _Kao_," he cursed softly, rubbing his jaw.

Zoe, ever steady and the voice of reason, broke in. "Wasn't for River, we'd probably be left there. She felt 'em coming."

Simon didn't care. "Never again," he said, voice dangerous. "You understand me?" He stared hard at Mal.

"Seems I remember a talk about you givin' orders on my boat."

"Well sleep easy 'cause we're off your boat." He didn't care anymore, it didn't matter what he said. There was only River, he had to take care of her, first and foremost. "Just as soon as River gets her share of the 'bounty'."

Kaylee's stressed voice pleaded with him. "Well let's not do anything hasty..."

Mal's glare was sharper than any scalpel Simon used. "No. Shiny! I'm sick of carryin' tourists anyhow. We'll be on Beaumonde in ten hours time, you can pick up your earnin's and be on your merry. Meantime, you do your job. Patch up my crew."

Simon clenched his jaw tighter, refusing to let himself tremble. River. He had to keep her safe. That meant doing everything in his power and then some. He didn't have the luxury to take into account his own wants and pains.

"He didn't lie down." Simon turned around at River's voice, scared how her voice lacked _any_ emotion. Empty. "They never lie down." She stared at the Reaver and slowly sat down on the front of the Mule.

Simon swallowed hard and went to her. Zoe stopped him short, her eyes sympathetic. "Kaylee's got her, Doc. Jayne took a harpoon in the leg, needs your help." Simon looked around her and saw Kaylee already cuddling River close despite the lack of response. Reluctantly he nodded and let Zoe help him move Jayne to the infirmary.

> But I have the sense to recognize  
>  That I don't know how to let you go  
>  I don't know how to let you go

Simon packed his medical bag with the equivalent of what he'd had when he first walked onto _Serenity_. There were a few new drugs he had to pack because of River's latest drug regimen, but he did so sparingly. He wouldn't leave the crew to suffer if they needed the supplies. In his room he packed the small stack of clothes after layering himself in two shirts and a jacket. It air wasn't cold, but the emptiness in his gut chilled him inside and out. His bag was so small. He crossed the hall to River's room, not surprised when he didn't find her. Carefully and with reverence he gathered her stuff and packed it in her bag. He held the tin of colored pencils for a moment and then glanced at the wall where some of her pictures hung. Somehow he knew that if he took them down, she's have a fit. Maybe the pictures would give Kaylee some comfort when they'd gone. He'd never felt so guilty.

The com link opened and Wash's strangely solemn voice announced the approach to Beaumonde.

Simon carried the bags to the cargo hold and looked around with a careful eye, searching for his sister. In a few minutes she appeared with Kaylee trailing listlessly behind her. Neither girl met his gaze; he closed his eyes in pain. Didn't they understand that he couldn't stay here? He would lose his objective—he already had by letting Mal take River on a job. No matter her skill with a gun or the horrors she had already faced, she was still barely of legal adult age and in so many ways still a child.

_I just want to keep you safe, mei-mei, _ he thought.

A small hand slid into his. Relieved, Simon squeezed River's fingers comfortingly. She looked at him with a lost expression, then turned her stare to some unknown point.

Kaylee stood in front of them, arms crossed awkwardly over her chest. "B-before you go, I gotta tell you how to stay safe... y'know?" Her eyes were red from crying, though the tears had dried. "Don't talk to the barkers—only the captains. You look the captains in the eye, know who you're dealin' with." She reached out a hand hesitantly.

Simon glanced over at Zoe as she opened the hold and lowered the ramp. Looking back to Kaylee, he started to apologize, "I wish there was..."

Mal appeared, barely a moment's gaze wasted on them. He strode across the hold and paused right between Simon and Kaylee. When he finally passed, Kaylee glared after him angrily. Simon took her hand, drawing her attention. He didn't want to leave with her angry at Mal; she'd suffered enough losses to her family, he didn't want to be the cause of a strain for her and the remaining members. He suddenly realized that _Serenity_ was back to her core crew. He wondered if that had been destined from the start.

Kaylee let go of his hand and fingered his jacket with trembling hands. "You shouldn't oughtta be so clean. It's a dead giveaway you don't belong. You always gotta be tidy. Don't pay anybody in advance. An' don't ride in anythin' with a Capissen 38 engine, they fall right out of the sky." She pulled her hands away and gestured to explain her meaning.

Overwhelmed by her sadness, Simon attempted another apology, "Kaylee..."

She shook her head and turned away, heading after the crew. Simon looked back into the ship and asked softly, not daring to hope, "River... do you want to stay with them?"

River's voice was haunted and small. "It's not safe."

Simon felt his throat close up. "No, I fear it's not safe anymore." He picked up their bags and slowly started down the ramp, River following him at an even slower pace.

> A glowing ember, burning hot  
>  Burning slow  
>  Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence  
>  Of existing for only you

_Lao tian bu_... Where was she? He was trying to be so careful, but she had still managed to get away from him. He climbed onto a crate next to a vendor's stand, ignoring the old man's irritated protests. He couldn't see River's blue jacket anywhere in the crowd. Mal was right, he really was _jing chang mei yong de_. Simon didn't know how far she could have gotten. He knew he had lost her only in the last five minutes, but that could mean anything.

Merciful Buddha, how did he expect to protect her on his own? Fighting desperately against tears of frustration, Simon jumped back to the ground and wracked his brain for the name of the club the crew had gone. He just prayed they'd be willing to help.

"Excuse me," Simon caught the elbow of a middle-aged woman keeping a sharp eye on her booth. "Can you tell me where the Maidenhead is?"

She eyed him suspiciously, then looked significantly at her wares. Simon exhaled loudly and shoved several bills into her his hand. "Please?"

That did the trick.

Thank god it wasn't far. Simon ran when the crowd thinned out and pressed through the close bodies when he couldn't. Up ahead he could see the alley he needed. Sure enough, there was a bright sign ahead that advertised the club at the end. As he hurried towards the entrance, he saw twin men stumble out, their eyes wide as they glanced back over their shoulders. With a shock, Simon recognized the bag one of the men held.

"Wait!" he called, running towards them. "Mal—Captain Reynolds, is he still inside?"

The two men looked at him like he was crazy.

"Wouldn't want to be going in there, friend."

"Just might get yourself killed."

Shaking his head, Simon plunged past them and shoved the heavy door open. He had to descend one flight of stairs and push through another door before he made it inside. He took in the destruction of broken chairs, tables, dishes, and decorations. Quickly he realized that the damage included more than a dozen bodies of men and women, including Jayne. He stared in horrified amazement as his baby sister kicked a man in the throat. Unsure what attracted his attention, he found himself staring as Mal fumbled with a rotating locker where the guns must be kept.

Simon shot a look back at River just in time to see her catch a gun from the air and point it with alarming calm at Mal. Impasse. This time Simon had to make a choice and he did it without another moment's hesitation.

"Eta Kooram Nah Smech!"

His heart beat erratically and he shook, staring at his sister as she collapsed. Hardly able to swallow back the bile in his throat, Simon held onto the railing in front of him with a white-knuckled grip.

"I think we oughtta leave," Mal said.

Simon shuddered and retreated into himself. He had to hang on and see to his sister. She had to be alright. He didn't know if he could live with himself if he'd chosen Mal over her.

On the floor below, Jayne groaned loudly as e came around. Simon watched in silent fascination as Mal carefully approached River and knelt at her side. A moment later, he picked her up with a gentleness Simon had never seen before. Mal held the limp girl protectively as he stood and climbed the stairs. Over his shoulder he ordered Jayne to head back to the ship. Simon stepped aside and opened the door as Mal approached. Their gazes didn't meet.

~ * ~ * ~

Simon followed in Mal's wake, trailing him up the ramp, through the hold... He had no idea if the rest of the crew was there, his focus only on his sister and the man who held her. To his distress, Mal walked past the infirmary without a glance and continued up the stairs. Simon bit back a protest when he saw Mal heading into the small storage closet.

_It's not her fault, _ he thought desperately, battling himself to get rid of the hint of doubt that clouded his own thoughts.

> I know I can't be with you  
>  I do what I have to do  
>  I know I can't be with you  
>  I do what I have to do

"Do we know if anyone was killed?" Simon didn't know how Zoe could manage to sound so calm in the middle of this madness.

Mal's reply made him feel sick. "It's likely. I know she meant to kill me 'fore the doc put her to sleep. Which how exactly does that work anyhow?"

Time to explain. No more secrets, he no longer had a choice in the matter. Simon murmured, "Safe word." After a beat he looked up at the gazes weighing heavily on him. "The people who helped me break River out… they had intel that River and the other subjects were being embedded with behavioral conditioning. They taught me a safe word, in case... something happened." Had they known her capabilities and not told him?

Kaylee asked a question so he clarified, "A phrase that's encoded in her brain, that makes her fall asleep, I guess. If I speak the words 'Eta'—"

Jayne jumped up and knocked over his chair. "Well don't say it!"

Zoe rolled her eyes. At least someone found amusement in the situation. "It only works on her, Jayne."

"Oh. Well, now I know that." He straightened his chair and sat back down.

Mal's voice was deadly steady when he echoed Simon's words. "In case something happened."

Too exhausted to pick up on the meaning, Simon asked, "What?"

"You feel the need to elaborate on what that something might be? I mean they taught you that fancy safe word, they must've figured she was gonna, what – start uncontrollably knitting?"

Mal's frustration frighteningly echoed his own concerns. Simon tried to explain, "They never said what—"

"And you never did ask."

As Mal grabbed the doctor roughly and slammed him against the wall, Simon reflected that the accusation was far from the truth. Not that it mattered now. He let Mal drag him over to the table and press him backwards. He knew this anger, had felt it himself hours earlier when he felt River was in danger.

"Fifteen months," Mal snarled, inches from his face. "Fifteen months you had her on my boat knowing full well she might go monkeyshit at the wrong word an' you never said a thing—"

Simon struggled against the hold that started to cut off his air. "I brought her out here so they couldn't get to her, I don't even know how they—"

Mal shook him. "My ship. My _crew_! You had a gorram time bomb living with us!" Simon closed his eyes. He swore he wouldn't cry, he couldn't break. "What if she went off in the middle of dinner, or in bunk with Kaylee, did that give you a moment's pause?"

Of course it had! Simon turned his head to look at Kaylee, devastated to see her terrified expression.

"I thought she was getting better," he said quietly. A poor apology but the only explanation he could offer.

"And I thought they was gettin' off!" Jayne said. Mal let Simon go with disgust. Simon looked away, refusing to meet anyone's eyes. "Didn't we have a intricate plan how they was gonna be not here anymore?"

Simon didn't know what he'd do if they had to permanently leave the ship. This little stunt went a long way in convincing him he wasn't strong enough to care for River on his own.

"We couldn't leave them now!" How could Kaylee still defend him?

"No, now that she's a... killer woman, we ought be bringin' 'em tea and dumplings!" Jayne said sarcastically. "In earnest, Mal, why'd you bring her back on?"

Simon looked up and stared at Mal beseechingly. He had to know the reason why. Maybe he'd know where to go from here if he knew why Mal had carried River so carefully and strode back onto _Serenity_ without hesitation.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Mal himself didn't know the answer.

Simon swallowed the painful lump in his throat and whispered, "May I see her?" Mal refused to look at him but did step aside. Simon didn't allow himself to linger, he stepped forward and entered the storage closet. He stared at the crumpled body of his sister and closed his eyes.

_Wo de tian a_, grant him the strength to do what must be done.

"Simon..." River's quiet voice brought him immediately to her side.

> And I have the sense to recognize  
>  But I don't know how to let you go  
>  I don't know how to let you go

_Fin (for now)_


End file.
